Canary claims warnings of imminent ‘puddy-tat’ attacks were ignored

U.S. homeland security officers were on the defensive today after claims that they had been forewarned about the possibility of last week’s wave of so-called ‘puddy-cat’ attacks. The denial follows claims from celebrity canary turned whistle-blower Tweetie Pie that he had alerted them to the possibility on numerous occasions. Mr Pie says that his warnings were met with a ‘blanket of indifference’ from the authorities. He also claims that he was strongly warned against singing to the media and accused of ’spweading panic and distwess’.

Bone Up Your Shakespeare

A Study Guide to the top Porno Films inspired by the Bard of Avon

Considering that William Shakespeare coined the phrase, “making the beast with two backs” (Othello, I, i), it should come as no surprise that there are numerous X-rated movies based on his plays. But, (remember : double entendres are contagious when dealing with "bardcore" films) are any of them worth watching?

Ay, there’s the… rub.

The Play: A Midsummer Night’s Cream

Bardness: 70%

Certain of the subplots have been trimmed, the rest have had trim added to them.

But the story and spirit of the original are quite remarkably intact. While there are some verbal benefits to this (double entendres like “I could munch your good dry oats” really do come alive) — there are also countless, err ‘drawbacks’ — when it comes to porn, as far as sex goes, a guy with the head of a donkey is most often more of a nightmare than a dream.

The Play: X Hamlet

Bardness: 30%

Something is perverted in the state of Denmark, runs the by-line for this video and from then on it’s all down hill.

The story : It seems the king’s brother, knowing the monarch’s penchant for cunnilingus, poisoned the queen’s good dry oats. Now the king’s ghost wants Hamlet to avenge him. Also, he wants Hamlet to have as much sex as possible.

Some lines are familiar from Hamlet (“To screw or not to screw, that is the question”). Some are from other Shakespeare plays (“My kingdom for a fuck” etc’). And some, Shakespeare could only have dreamt of writing (“There is a big present for you in my pants baby”).

The Play: Othello: Dangerous Desire

Bardness: 2%

Worth it if only for the bewildered ‘actress’s’ face when confronted with the line “Life is pretty strange, your name is Desdemona and mine is Othello, not to say that has anything to do with Shakespeare. I just thought it was funny.”

Actually, it’s kind of funny that Othello speaks dialogue with an American accent and his voiceover with an Italian one (it’s almost surreal), but the line is worth noting because it’s virtually the only connection at all to the alleged source material.

The plot of this ‘Othello’ involves the planning of a crime. This in turn, believe it or not, involves having lots of sex (really!). The only other glimpse of Shakespeare comes when Othello wonders how Casio got hold of Desdemona’s strawberry-spotted handkerchief, Or, in this version, her leopard-print thong.

The Play: Taming of the Screw

Bardness: 25%

Finally, an adaptation of The Taming of the Shrew for everyone who thought the original was too clever.

In this modern un-costume drama, Kate’s witty banter stays at the level of, “Shut the fuck up! No, no, no, fuck you!” Once tamed by her husband, with the help of various friends and waiters, Kate teaches the other wives the meaning of marriage with the lines (And I just HAVE to quote this in full):

“Ay! All they have to do is their husband’s bidding. Is that to much to give for the love thy get in return? Here my husband let me return the love you have given me, suck Pete’s cock, you two dumb motherfucking bitches!”

Classic!

The Play: Juliet and Romeo

Bardness: 40%

This is a personal favourite as far as dare I say, ‘straight’ adaptations go. Here, Montague’s don’t fall in love with Capulet’s; they just have lots of sex with them (so much easier really!).

“My heart is Montague,” explains Mercutio, “but my prick is non-partisan.” So it’s a scandal when Romeo becomes so smitten by Juliet that he can barely bring himself to bone the servant girls. And when Romeo kills Tybalt in an ensuing feud he must flee to Mantua, where he can barely bring himself to bone his hostess and the servant girls. At the end, Romeo is about to take his life but Juliet awakens just in time to stop him! When the mourners arrive, Romeo and Juliet hide inside her coffin, where he can barely bring himself to bone her. Apparently this movie was made some time before Viagra.

The Play: In the Flesh (an adaptation of Macbeth)

Bardness: 75%

To put a good spin on it, this ambitiously artful and arty interpretation blends elements of both the classical and the contemporary schools of film into a post-modern pot purée of stylistic delights.

To tell it like it is though, it’s staged in gloomy stone castles, the text is modernized and the characters drive Jeeps and carry Uzi’s.

Oh! Yes and as a reminder that this is “the Scottish play,” the men wear kilts and the women, uh, blow bagpipes (I tell you, I am NOT making this up).

Shakespeare left the explicit sex out of his version, but you can only wonder if he would have approved of, for example, Lady Macbeth’s leather-Dom style and Banquo’s ghost presiding over a hallucinatory drug fuelled orgy.

But unlike Juliet and Romeo, ‘In the Flesh’ stays true to its heritage.

Everyone ends up dead, and even when alive unfortunately they don’t really seem to be having much fun ~ ‘even when screwing their courage to that sticking place’ – Tragic in every conceivable definition of the word.

The acting isn’t exactly RSC-worthy either. But then you wouldn’t want to see Dame Judi Dench in this particular production.

an audio recording of this transcript is avalible upon request from the grand theft audio corporation